On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
The USS B port
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
There’s never enough good news
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.