You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.