Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice