[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
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“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
#Caturday
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
accurate
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.