Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
You Might Also Like
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.