Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Somebody call the cops.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella