My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.