Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers