33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Noted.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha