Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)