Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.