pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
work smarter, not harder
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”