Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
mom had nothing to worry about