INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
uncle dave has been through hell
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
All is fair in drunk and war.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My love language is hissing.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me