Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Not recommended for beginners.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx