Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving