DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*