therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
yeah not falling for this one
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
🙂🙃🥹
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full