“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
i smell a pulitzer
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.