a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”