Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy