If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
You Might Also Like
this is 10/10 content no notes
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I need better friends