Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
You Might Also Like
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.