Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.