Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
adding to the discourse
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.