When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*