I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
You Might Also Like
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Just parrot things
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”