Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
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Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”