Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?