Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
There are no pants in heaven.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story