DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie