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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.