Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone š
Him: We all are…
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battleās intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “į“ į“Źį“į“į“Ź É¢į“Ź ÉŖÉ“ į“ ŹŹį“į“ į“ į“É“ ŹÉŖį“ Źį“į“Ź į“į“Ź”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Listerine: āI kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!ā
Germ: āSo youāre telling me thereās a chance!ā
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told thereās only fruit for dessert.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: āNo whey, Jose.ā
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
āNo use crying over spilled milkā was coined by someone who didnāt have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didnāt have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didnāt have to clean the spilled milk.
So youāre damn right I cried over spilled milk.
hey weāre calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Me: Thereās nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know weāre gonna egg your house, right?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My therapist after every session