‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
crying
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.