*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house