I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Feels like the fourth month in January
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
for all #parents out there
That time Alicia messaged me
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?