“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
We’re all getting idioter.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful