Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
why no one uses midhusbands
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*