Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I hope they boil the right one.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.