I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.