Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
You Might Also Like
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.