My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo