Sunday
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Fries, not lies.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The honesty is refreshing
Nothing.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live