My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
You’ll be OK
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet