In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave