Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
This meal prepping shit is easy
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Monday?
No. Next question.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
the battle rages on
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers