dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song