ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Traveler’s camo
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY