Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin