Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.